What Is The "Paradise" You Are Seeking?

A few months back, my wife and I took a class from another coaching couple, a very nice husband and wife team.  I take these classes two or three times a year and they can cost several thousand per class.

Sometimes I end up finding it a waste of money and other times picking up a tidbit that I didn't understand and can now use to help my own clients.

Over the years I have had several clients who clearly needed help that I didn't feel I could help, so I am always looking to improve my understanding so I can help more people do better.

The burning questions for me are: How come everyone doesn't want to be successful?  How come everyone who wants to be successful isn't?  How come some people make success look so easy?  

Walking in to this class I wondered if it would help me understand more than any other?  I always think this walking in the door.  Attending two or three seminars every year,  I get some good techniques about 50% of the time.  Rarely do I gain any more understanding.

This class was different, the teachers gave me a huge question to answer.  The class didn't give me any new understandings.  What it gave me was a new way to ask my questions.  

I agreed with 90% of everything the presenters said.  It was the last 10% that got to me.  Their premise was very much oriented in "Eastern Philosophy".  Many traits of Buddhism were taught, but then he said something to the effect of, "Meditation is a waste of time".  I just thought to myself "You are doing it wrong".

Many people meditate without knowing it.  A very successful CEO I met once told me that no matter how bad things got at the office, he would jump on his Jet Ski, and go as fast as he could around the lake.  When he got back he had all of the answers he needed and his world was right.  He was meditating at 70 mph on water with no helmet.  The front of your mind needs 100% of its focus to keep you alive, so it can't mess with the real thinking in the back.  This was a great insight at the time.

My motorcycles did the same for me many years ago, today it is surfing.

The last day of the three days that was supposed to bring the class together is where it fell apart for me and several others who approached me afterwards.

The teachers tried to tell us that we were all seeking a "paradise" that doesn't exist any longer.  That paradise was the perfect world we had from birth until we became aware we existed.  The point where we stopped "being".  They claimed paradise was lost forever and wan unobtainable and therefore why we were so unhappy.  

In our infantile paradise, everything we wanted was taken care of my other people while we were "being".  In the lead teachers words, being 100% cared for by others is "Paradise", and one that you can never achieve.  You want food, it is right there, you want sleep, you just do it.  A perfect world we can never get back.

Given the First Lady's staff, I think she is pretty darn close.

Actually I was still with him and so was the entire class, but then he leapt right over an area that I had been talking about for years and went straight into success techniques.  The problem I had, and several people discussed afterwards was that chasm between being and success.  If there is no "Paradise" what are we working so hard for?  If we are just "being", then why are we suddenly talking about all this "getting and doing"?  What is the connection?  What is the reason? Why?

I have touched on this new set of questions a couple of times already, but I haven't had a clear answer I could communicate until now.   It has been bothering me because there have been people that I couldn't help and I didn't know why.  Now I think I do.  I also understand very clearly my angst and frustration with my business and life in Texas.  My wife calls it our "experiment" and she is right.

While I agree with the seminars coaches that the "paradise" of our infancy can never be revisited,  I do think there is a paradise we can achieve in little bits.  I also think that we can find a purpose for our journey through life other than simply "being" here.

It is the definition of "paradise" and how we were raised as children that makes the difference.  His description of his childhood fits this pattern of having a limited view of paradise.  I will use living in paradise interchangeably with living happily.  Yes you are allowed to be happy most of the time.

Follow me on this one, because it begins to explain a lot.

A child who is raised with a lot of "responsibility" and "reward", has lots of little "paradises" to seek.  Being the oldest boy in my household, I had the most of both.  All of those little rewards are my "paradise", achieving things makes me happy.  Seeing things not happening makes me stressed and unhappy.  Think of it as a giant jig saw puzzle, and each reward is a piece that makes a picture of my paradise.

95% of my rewards revolved around life in Southern California.  My mother was born here, my father was born here and his father too.  Texas didn't work like I hoped because my "rewards" and therefore "paradise" weren't there, they were here in Southern California.  Texas people were great, the lifestyle was fun, but it wasn't my "paradise".  I couldn't do what I wanted to do, and things didn't get done in a way that made me happy.  The old dog wasn't ready to learn new tricks.*

Each time I got a reward for doing good work, I added a new piece to my jig saw puzzle of paradise.  For kids who didn't get that many rewards, they don't have a good picture to look at.  I think this makes it harder for them to create purpose.  For them "being" is an easier answer.  This is where a real mentor or coach can make all of the difference in the world.  A mentor can build rewards for adults that can become their paradise.

Of course we had punishment in my house too.  It would make a great study to figure out the perfect number of rewards and the reward/punishment ratio that successful people grew up with.  

The more business owners that I work with who see great change, the more I find they had this responsibility-reward cycle in their house as a child with a very stern, fair and seldom used punishment.    My wife really didn't have much of either reward or punishment, so she is much more centered than I am.  She is closer to "being" than I can ever be in the way the class was being taught.

One of the problems many business owners face in business is that the customers don't always reward like parents did.  Do a great job, get a great check doesn't always happen.  The trick that I have started teaching and using myself is finding little rewards along the way that build up to bigger ones as the person achieves greater success.  Very smart companies have figured this out and reward employees well.  Look at the millionaire list at Apple, Cisco and Microsoft.  The success of the company created success for the employee.

I touched on this topic a little bit in the book "So, Now What?" and will do so in much greater depth in the next one.  There is also a better version of "being" when you have a good understanding of your wants, don't wants and challenges.

The best rewards in my "Paradise Puzzle Picture" were the time and love of my parents.  Get good grades, go flying with Dad.  Mow the yard, get a Tastee-Freez with Mom.  Keep your room up for a month go to Disneyland.  Punch your brother, one good swat and no ski trip.

I realize now this is why I am a self starter.  I have projects running all the time and at the end of each one is a little (or big) reward.  

I may not live in "Paradise" every day all the time, but I have a life I want to live and look forward too every day.  That sounds like happiness and paradise to me. 

If you have kids, what can you do to help them build their "Paradise Puzzle Picture"?  

If you want to improve your life, use the "Want, Don't Want and Challenges" white board exercise to help you find those puzzle pieces and eliminate the puzzle pieces that someone else gave you or you just don't want.

Finally, build your picture of paradise, and your list of little rewards, big rewards and goals.  You will find that you get more done than you ever thought possible and you'll have fun and feel good about doing it.

*Another author recently said "Once you live at the beach, you can never not live at the beach".