How to Fix A Midlife Crisis

What is a midlife crisis anyway?  

Elliott Jaques defined a midlife crisis as a time where adults come to realize their own mortality. A midlife crisis is experienced by many people during the midlife transition when they realize that life may be more than halfway over. Sometimes, a crisis can be triggered by transitions experienced in these years, such as children leaving for college, the death of parents of the loss of a job. During this time,  people may reassess their achievements in terms of their dreams. The result may be a desire to make significant changes in core aspects of day-to-day life or situation, such as in career, work-life balance, marriage, romantic relationships, large expenditures, or physical appearance.

The sentence which is really the key to unlocking the real problem is “People may reassess their achievements in terms of their dreams.” 

Beginning with our first experiences at school, we are taught to “go with the flow”, yet the human psyche doesn't go with the flow.  We have an inherent need to change the world around us, and when we go with the flow nothing is changed.   All of us know this to be true, and a midlife crisis is the realization of that truth.  At some point,  what I like to call the "busyness" of life takes our attention away from what we really want.  It is the point when the busyness takes a break that the midlife crisis kicks in.

Another way to think of a midlife crisis is as a "mature realization" that we followed someone else’s dreams.  We conformed our lives to someone else's wants, or conformed for convenience.  Personally my life shifted the day my dad past away.  From the time I got the call to the time I was sitting at a funeral home was a couple of hours.  Right there I was sitting in a mental state many would call a midlife crisis that lasted for nearly 5 years.  I didn't see it at the time, it is only with some careful reflection that I could see my realization or midlife crisis and where it began.  

During that time I made a lot of poor choices in business and financial management.  Towards the end when I realized what was happening, it didn't take long to fix it and get out of the "funk".  I wish someone had given me a swift kick in the butt four and a half years sooner.  The faster you see through your own midlife crisis or mature realization, the quicker you get to move on with life.  Ironically my dad would have done that.

All through our lives, What is a midlife crisis anyway?  Wikipedia defines it this way:

Midlife crisis is a term coined in 1965 by Elliott Jaques stating a time where adults come to realize their own mortality and how much time is left in their life. A midlife crisis is experienced by many people during the midlife transition when they realize that life may be more than halfway over. Sometimes, a crisis can be triggered by transitions experienced in these years, such as andropause or menopause, the death of parents or other causes of grief, unemployment or underemployment, realizing that a job or career is hated but not knowing how else to earn an equivalent living, or children leaving home. People may reassess their achievements in terms of their dreams. The result may be a desire to make significant changes in core aspects of day-to-day life or situation, such as in career, work-life balance, marriage, romantic relationships, large expenditures, or physical appearance.

The last couple of sentences are really the key to unlocking the real problem.  “People may reassess their achievements in terms of their dreams.” is a very telling statement and most likely the core of the problem.

Our society trains us starting at a school age to “go with the flow”, yet the human cause is counter to the flow.  We have an inherent need to change the world around us, and when we go with the flow nothing is changed.  What I like to call the busyness of life takes our attention away from what we really want.  It is the point when the busyness takes a break that the midlife crisis kicks in.

I prefer to think about a midlife crisis more as a mature realization that we followed someone else’s dreams or worse, accepted their fears.  Many of the transitions mentioned in the Wikipedia definition all hover around the same thing, a major change in your life.

Personally my life shifted the day my dad died, within hours I was sitting in a mental state many would call a midlife crisis that lasted for nearly 5 years.  During that time I made a lot of poor choices in business and financial management.  The faster you see through your own midlife crisis or mature realization, the quicker you get to move on with life.

Every time you decide a job stinks and we find a new one, you have matured a little and decided to move on.  We have mini realizations all the time.  some like the midlife crisis are just bigger and more mature realizations that something isn't right.  It might be that you realized that you made a bad choice taking the job, or that someone else misled you about the job.  Either way, you woke up and made a change.  

The big realization we call a midlife crisis happens when there is a much bigger change in your life.  Something so big it can disrupt the busyness of everyday life.  The real problem with the midlife crisis is that you don't know what to do.  That is the "crisis" part.

Buying a Porsche, divorce, getting remarried to a younger new wife, finding a new job, are the male midlife stereotype.  The stereotype clearly reflects the symptoms but doesn’t address the issues.  All of us have different issues, and the good news is working through them is basically the same.  Even if you don't know what to do, there are ways to work through it.  I wrote a book about this process.

When I wrote So, Now What?, I was focused on military troops leaving the service and helping them find a better job and create a better life in the civilian world.  I didn’t want the troops that worked with me to come home and just get a "safe government job".  I have always felt that we do people a disservice by letting them take "safe" jobs until they retire.  While this is a great socialist view, the human spirit isn't challenged and doesn't grow.  Just look at the local motor vehicle counters, is anyone really happy or smiling.  Then go to a thriving business, and look at how happy people are to work and contribute.  

i wanted them to use this opportunity to teach them grasp the realization, and move forward with their dreams.  I have always believed that everyone should do two years of government service, even if it is just working the motor vehicle counter.  If you go to a state funded college, maybe you do four years.  All of the people that worked for me or me in the military have done their service, so I wanted to help them grow their own energy and life. 

Writing So, Now What? to help more of them also helped me.  First it talked me through my own realization, saving my family life and moving me to a place where I wanted to live.  It also helped people I knew reflect on their lives and make a major change, helping me to learn what people needed to know to get through their own mature realization or midlife crisis.  Some acknowledged the book was the catalyst right away.  Others made major changes without really saying why.  Either way it has been a fun ride, and I learned that all realizations can be corrected with the same process.  Your age and maturity level don't matter.  You can have a mature realization at 20 or 80.  That is why I don't like the term midlife crisis.

Last week I was out surfing, and something happened which inspired me to write to you.  Surfing of course, is part of my “dream life” that wasn’t happening at my McMansion in Texas.  While surfing, I met a guy I'l call "Bob".  We talked for a while and my answers were starting to sound rehearsed, I realized that So, Now What? not only changed my direction, it changed how I interact with people.

Instead of giving advice to Robbie, I just asked questions and let him come to his own conclusions.  Last week I received an email from a reader saying he liked my book because of the worksheets.  I wasn’t telling him what to do, I was helping him find out what is right for him.  At the end of our conversation, I could see a light in his eyes that wasn't there when we started talking.

All of us have our own dreams and demons.  Getting advice from friends and family just keeps you going with the flow or following their dreams.  People don’t like change unless they are comfortable with their life to the point of boredom.  The only person who will know what the right exit strategy is for your midlife crisis or mature realization is you.  Asking how other people see you will help, asking them what you should do probably won’t.

From the emails and feed back I get, the hardest part of reading So, Now What?, is doing the worksheets after every chapter.  It is also the most important thing to do according to the people who send the "thank you" letters.  

So many people just want the quick and easy answer.  All that will lead to is another mature realization at another point in your life.  That is why I don’t like the term midlife crisis.  You don’t have to be midlife, and you don’t have to let it become a crisis.

It will take some time to invest in yourself and find your dream life.  If you don’t take the time, you might end up right back in another crisis.  Are you worth the time?  I think so.